The banana debate
by FictitiousFriend
Summary: Remus Lupin and Sirius Black are arguing... again. Well, no surprise there. But this time, it's important! It's about... BANANAS! Watermelons are also brought up! It may sound boring, but really, it's not (or maybe it is, I don't know, you should read it and find out).


~Set in the Marauder dorm room in second year~

 _Remus Lupin is lying down on his bed, reading a book and snacking on a banana,_

 _and Sirius Black is (rather reluctantly) working on his transfiguration homework_

"Hey Black, what color is a banana?" Asked Remus Lupin suddenly, sitting up.

"Wha… What?" Sirius Black replied smartly, coming out of his reverie to fix Lupin with a bewildered stare.

"I asked what color bananas are," Remus repeated.

"Yeah, I heard you. Why?"

Lupin sighed, "Would you just answer the question?"

Black raised his eyebrows; "Yellow. Bananas are yellow," he answered slowly, as if speaking to a two year old.

"Hmmmmm... Okay," And Remus went back to his own thoughts, retreating from the conversation. But Sirius, now that he was disrupted from his homework, did not intend to go back, and was indeed curious regarding the madness of one Remus Lupin.

"Are you high?" Black demanded of the other boy.

"What?" Lupin asked, now confused, as though he hadn't started the conversation about banana hues. Realization slowly came on to his face as he realized what Sirius had been referring to; he had already moved far past this point in his thoughts "Oh, no, no, I was just… Well, it doesn't really matter. I wouldn't want to bore you with my thoughts."

"No, no. By all means, " replied Black, "I've always wondered what dark and mysterious cogitations loom around in that head of yours. Take me on an adventure."

Lupin rolled his eyes, but answered Black all the same. "Well, it's just that you were wrong."

"Wrong? About what?" Black asked perplexed.

"About the color of a banana, of course."

"I'm pretty sure bananas are yellow, Lupin" Black said, now thoroughly convinced of the other boy's insanity.

"No, see," Lupin showed Black the aforementioned banana, "It's white"

"Why the fuck were you hiding a banana behind your back?"

Lupin rolled his eyes again. "I wasn't _hiding_ it. I just wanted your unbiased opinion on the color of a banana. And that's not the point. Look at the banana; it's not yellow, it's yellowish-whitish, if not just plain white, yet you said yellow."

"Well, I meant a banana's yellow before it's peeled," Black defended.

"But it's not. The _peel_ is yellow, but the banana itself, which is what I actually _asked_ about, isn't."

"As far as you know," Black answered, causing Lupin to roll his eyes for the third time in five minutes.

"Yes, well I am going on the assumption that bananas don't magically change color right before they're peeled so-"

"Well, why not? Why can't they? I mean, fizzing whizbees can make you float, why can't bananas change color?"

"That's not the same thing at all Sirius," And again, Lupin rolled his eyes. Rolling his eyes was something of a habit when talking to Sirius Black, Remus mused to himself, before he continued, "And besides, fizzing whizbees are made with magic. Bananas are just naturally grown on trees. Muggles eat them too so therefore-"

"Wait a minute, back up. Bananas grow _on trees?_ "

Lupin chose to ignore this comment. "-So therefore, they can't have magic in them. Now, skipping over your banana conspiracy-"

"It's a legitimate theory-" Black started again, but was silenced by a look from Remus.

" _SO,_ your banana conspiracy theory _aside_ ," Lupin said, getting back to the topic, "I was wondering why people think bananas are yellow, when really, they're white."

"Well, you should have specified that you meant the _inside_ of the banana then."

"But it's not the _inside_ , it's just the banana itself. The outside is the banana _peel_ , and I didn't ask about the peel. No one even eats the peel anyway, so there's no reason to assume that's what I meant."

"Elephants eat the banana peel." Sirius pointed out

Remus didn't even bother to roll his eyes this time, but he still conveyed his annoyance with the other when he spoke. "Well then, when you ask an elephant what color a banana is and he says yellow, he'll have a genuine reason for saying so, but until then, I'm gonna stick with the pretense that we're talking about _humans_."

Black was silent after that so Remus figured the conversation was done and went back to reading his books. He didn't, of course, notice the thoughtful expression on the Black's face.

"You know, banana's aren't really white, they're sort of… yellowish-whitish I guess." Sirius said, startling Remus, who had already started his second page while Sirius had been thinking.

"Well yes, I did say that before-"

"No, you said they were white"

Cue the eye roll. "I said they were yellowish-whitish before, you wouldn't even be able to come up with that 'color' on your own," snapped Remus, who was getting annoyed with the other boy. "I just said white after that for simplicity's sake."

"Well then I was right. Bananas are yellow," reasoned Sirius.

" _No_ , they're yellowish-whitish, you just said so yourself." Remus countered.

"Yeah, but that's yellow." repeated Sirius

"No, if it were yellow, then it would be called _yellow_ , just yellow; not yellowish-whitish or whatever the hell it is. And anyway, when you said yellow, I know you were thinking of the rich yellow hue that a banana peel is. So you were definitely wrong."

"First of all, what you just said is invalid because you said ' _rich_ banana _hue'_ ("Yellow, not banana-" "It doesn't matter Remus, you said rich _and_ hue, so,") _,_ and second of all, you don't know what I was thinking."

"Well, if you had meant this weird new color that we apparently created, called yellowish-whitish, then you would have said so. Not just plain old yellow. And I do in fact know what you were thinking, you're mind isn't really that hard to fathom."

Sirius stuck out his tongue in response to this, and Remus, the ever mature one, obviously had to reply in kind (but of course more subtly, when he thought Sirius wasn't looking).

"Well, it was a stupid question in the first place. It's like asking someone what color a watermelon is." Sirius stated at length.

"Well, technically the watermelon itself, at least the part you eat, which logically is the part you would be referring to when asking the question, is red." Remus replied.

"Well, if you were to ask someone, they would probably say green. Really! Fine, think of a watermelon, a fresh watermelon that's not cut or anything, (I don't suppose you've got one of those hidden behind your back. No?), all you can see is green. So _logically_ , the answer is green." Said Sirius.

"But that's just like the banana! I didn't ask about the _peel_ , I asked about the fruit!"

"Well, watermelons don't have peels! The outside is just as much part of the melon as the inside, and some people, yes Remus, _people_ , do eat the outside! Although, they are rather strange people… But that's not the point!"

Just then, the conversation was interrupted as the dorm door opened, and admitted one, albeit a tired and battered looking, James Potter.

"James," Sirius immediately seized his opportunity, "What color is a watermelon?"

James, who was rather used to Sirius' strange antics by now, answered "Red and green, why?" without missing a beat. When both Sirius and Remus groaned, James, utterly mystified at the peculiarity of both his roommates, shared a quick glance between his two roomers, before deciding he didn't want to partake in whatever they had been doing, and started towards his bed.

"Well then, what color's a banana then?" asked Remus.

"NO!" Shouted Sirius, making James jump and hit his head against his bedpost. "It's a trick question! Don't answer it!"

James scowled and rubbed the back of his head. "How could that possibly be a trick question Sirius. And obviously a bananas yellow (cue groans from both Sirius and Remus). Really, are you two alright?"

"Yeah, fine. We were discussing the fundamentals of banana rationale." said Remus

"Banana rationale? Really? Sounds fascinating. I'll leave you to it then."

"Oi, wait! I have a bone to pick with you, Mr. steals-Sirius'-scarf-and-then-tears-it-and- buys-a-new-one-and-stuffs-the-old-one-under-my-bed-and-assumes-that-Sirius'll-be-fine-with-it-or-he'll-never-know-the-difference- (which is worse, actually) -even-though-the-two-scarves-are- completely-different-lengths-and-the-new-one-is- _waaaay_ -too-short-to-use-in-black-dragon-which-I-should-really-know-as-I-did-fucking-create-the-damn-game!" Sirius huffed all in one breath, and amazingly, still wasn't out of breath after.

And that was the end of the banana debate. Their conversation, about Sirius' scarf and their game of ' _black dragon'_ is a story for a different time, so this is the end of the story.

A/N: hope you liked it! I'm not entirely sure what the point of it is, but you know… Why not? Also, sorry for the rubbish ending but I didn't really feel like going on.


End file.
